i had no idea how much being relinquished by my mom as an infant had an impact on me until recently. 

i’ve learned most people don’t get it - but it’s mostly cause they just don’t want to put in the effort to understand. so, if you’re happy being ignorant, you can stop reading now.



glad you’re still here. it probably means you wanna grow in empathy, understanding, and compassion. 

imagine a helpless infant wondering where their nine-month home went. imagine a helpless infant crying for their familiar mothers breast and instead being given tea from a stranger. imagine a helpless infant having no familiar touch, smell, or loving arms to call home. 

where’d she go? why don’t i feel safe? why am i not being held? does she not like me? 

i
must
be
bad

i must have done something wrong for her to not want me… hence why compliance and good behaviour became my persona - my lifeline. don’t rock the boat - whatever you do - or else you’ll get rejected… again.

i realized a few days ago that functioning like that made me feel stuck and claustrophobic for most of my life. walking a tightrope in efforts to survive, people please, be liked, and ensure that others never have to feel rejection the same way i have

primary coping mechanism? conceal. if i pretend like i’m not hurt when people reject me, if i keep a straight face when i hear about awful things said about me, if i act unmoved when things hurt my feelings; i never have to relive the initial trauma.

i’m super over being a super spiritual robot that doesn’t go through hard stuff and isn’t hurt when people say awful things about me. i want to feel things. i want to be a human.

this is the reality of where i’m at and what i’m processing - on my own, with the Lord, and with my therapist. i’m sharing this because i wish people would be more honest and i wish the church would be less polished and fake.

i have full faith that jesus has me on this healing journey and he is loving my tenderness and vulnerability in this time. he is not absent, he is SO present. i say yes to his truth and what he has to say about me - i cannot loose. but i will own where i’m at and trust him in the process.

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